


Partially Dead Hardly Alive

by violasarecool



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, F/M, Gen, Nightmares, Not Humanstuck, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Sgrub, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 01:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4203474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violasarecool/pseuds/violasarecool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>aradia is dead. she has been for weeks. but in sollux's mind, in his dreams, she never stops dying, over and over again, right in front of him. he watches over and over as she is killed by the energy shooting in bursts from his own body, powerless to stop himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Everything is alight with dancing streaks of blue and red. The sky, the stars, the dark land below, an impenetrable fog beneath the bright luminosity of his hands, his dangling feet. His head is foggy, and he can't think, can barely breathe through the deep cerulean seeping through his pores. He tries to flex his fingers, raise his head, but he can only dangle limply, watching as the ground hurtles past, wind searing his ears.

Suddenly, everything slows, and the throbbing in his head grows louder, stronger. He can barely see now, barely make out more than the indistinct edges of what he takes to be a hive in front of him. Something like a windmill...

Oh god.

The pounding in his head is deafening, echoing waves that crash over him. The small figure below him, tiny in the wide expanse of grass, opens her mouth, says something he does not hear. He can feel the power flowing through his body, pulsing through him and around him, filling the air, crackling into bursts of life, shooting faster and faster as the troll girl takes a step back, still close enough for her expression of dismay to stay frozen on his eyelids even as the world explodes in an ocean of red and blue, terrible devastating light that heaves across the landscape, obliterating everything, the skin from his hands, the flesh evaporating from his bones, disintegrating with the neon lights until only his eyes remain, unblinkingly absorbing every last drop of molten light—

* * *

Sollux's eyes were already open as he became conscious of the very real pressure around him, sopor slime pressing in on him from all sides like the psychic pressure of his psionics. He burst out of his recuperacoon, gasping, coughing, retching green muck that slopped down his chin as he dragged himself to the edge, too weak to do more than flop against the side, panting. He blinked hard, forcing his eyelids open and closed, trying desperately to erase the brightly coloured nightmare from his eyelids, but it stayed, floating in front of him no matter where he looked, a silent ghost that screamed a thousand times louder than the voices that even still murmured quietly in the back of his head.

He stayed like that for a moment, eyes staring without seeing, unconscious of his living, breathing body that was trying so desperately to combat his inevitable surrender. Eventually, however, he couldn't stand staying still any longer, and he hauled himself out, heaved his body free of the gluey slime that had less to do with his spending more and more time in his recuperacoon than the constant lethargy that swirled through his leaden limbs.

He trudged down the stairs, watching the green stone curve away from him, jagged edges that crumbled beneath his heavy step. He could feel it building up again, the unnatural pressure just behind his left eyeball, and he forced it down, trying not to break into a run as his pulse threatened to drown out all thought.

He broke out into the darkness, the cold air immediately taking a stranglehold on his lungs. He refused to cough, savouring each ragged breath, staring into the infinite darkness of the sky, feeling like he could just fall into its depths. His fingers began to tingle, red and blue ready to break into existence—

_No._

He bit his tongue, dug his fingernails into his palms until it grew calm, swept back into the recesses of his mind. His most conscious thought, the clearest, most urgent message relayed to his senses from his sluggish brain resurfaced with a shock:  _Never again._ Never to feel that surging power again, that all-engulfing rush that he couldn't control, couldn't keep back, could only watch as it destroyed everything he held dear.  _Please._

His back arched, hands clenched by his sides as he stood, silently pleading for it to stay down but too tired to will it back, his limbs stiffening as it blossomed into the air, shooting into the sky from his bloodshot eyes.

When the last spark subsided, he collapsed into the grass, his body shaking with dry sobs.

* * *

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: HAVE YOU LEFT YOUR HIVE RECENTLY.  
CG: AND BY WHICH I MEAN IN THE LAST DAY, NOT LIKE THREE DAYS AGO.  
CG: I KNOW YOU KEEP SAYING YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE, WHICH I GET, OK, BUT I STILL THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA IF YOU AT LEAST LEFT YOUR FESTERING PIT OF DESPAIR SOMETIMES.  
CG: ...  
CG: I KNOW YOU'RE ONLINE, ASSWIPE.  
CG: YOU CAN'T DO THIS FOREVER.  
TA: what.  
CG: AMAZING, YOU CAN SPEAK.  
CG: OR TYPE I GUESS.  
TA: ye2, what a fuckiing 2urprii2e, better cro22 that off the lii2t of thiing2 the broken shitface can 2tiill do.  
TA: diid you have other paiinful memoriie2 to throw iin my face or are we goiing to 2top at the death of a mate2priit today.  
CG: UGH.  
CG: LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT ARADIA, SHE WAS MY FRIEND TOO.  
CG: AND FOR THE RECORD I'M PRETTY SURE TAVROS WAS REALLY FUCKING DEVASTED TOO.  
CG: BUT FOR A TROLL WHO GOES ON ABOUT FAIRIES AND HAS THE SELF CONFIDENCE OF A DYING SLUG, HE'S MANAGED TO KEEP GOING ABOUT HIS LIFE A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN YOU HAVE.  
TA: then engrave hiim a goddamn trophy, giive hiim a gold 2tar, ii really dont giive a 2hiit.  
CG: WILL YOU STOP BEING SO FUCKING DEFENSIVE??  
CG: I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO DO A GODDAMN JIG AND PRETEND EVERYTHING'S OK.  
CG: I KNOW IT'S GOING TO TAKE TIME FOR YOU TO FORGET ABOUT THIS.  
CG: BUT YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN LIE AROUND IN YOUR HIVE ALL DAY OR NOTHING'S GOING TO CHANGE.  
CG: I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE.  
TA: keep your good iintentiions to your2elf, ii don't need your help.  
TA: and ii'm not ju2t goiing to forget about thii2, ii fuckiing KIILLED her.  
TA: but 2o glad to hear you thiink 2o liittle of me even iin my pan rotted 2tate that you beliieve that iit miight ju2t sliip my thiink pan that ii murdered the only per2on who ever cared about me.  
TA: thank2 for that.

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGenetecist [CG]

CG: OBVIOUSLY THIS ISN'T GETTING THROUGH YOUR THICK PAN, BUT I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO, ASSHOLE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]


	2. Chapter 2

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] 

GC: H3Y  
GC: HOWS MR RED AND BLUE  
TA: fiine and fuckiing dandy.  
GC: 3XC3LL3NT  
TA: that wa2 2arca2m.  
GC: I KNOW  
GC: YOUR D3PR3SSING D3M34NOUR 1S NOT W4STED ON M3  
GC: TH4T 1S WHY 1 H4V3 COM3 TO YOU W1TH 4N OFF3R TO CH33R UP TH4T GLUM F4C3 OF YOURS  
TA: really.  
TA: do tell, what deliight2 have you brought to briighten my cloudy hellhole.  
GC: 1M GL4D YOU 4SK3D  
GC: B3C4US3 TOD4YS M3NU 1S FULL OF SURPR1S3S 4ND D3L1GHTS CR4FT3D TO CH33R UP 3V3N TH3 MOST MOODY OF TROLLS  
GC: B3FOR3 W3 B3G1N 1D L1KE TO R3COMM3ND TOD4YS SP3C14L  
GC: 4N 1C3 COLD PL4T3 OF R3V3NG3 >:]  
TA: ...  
TA: what make2 you thiink ii'd be iintere2ted iin that?  
GC: OH G33 I DONT KNOW  
GC: M4YB3 TH3 F4CT TH4T 4 P4RT1CUL4R TROLL WHO W1LL NOT B3 N4M3D US3D YOU TO K1LL YOUR M4T3SPR1T TH3N L3FT YOU TO D34L W1TH TH3 SMOK1NG WR3CK4G3  
TA: that make2 me want to kiill MY2ELF, not her.  
TA: but niice try.  
GC: W3LL WH4T 4BOUT JUST1C3?  
GC: YOU DO R34L1Z3 TH3 L4W D3M4NDS PUN1SHM3NT FOR 4 CR1ME OF SUCH M4GN1TUD3  
TA: ok.  
GC: SO 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO H3LP M3???  
TA: nah.  
GC: COME ON SOLLUX  
GC: W3 C4NT JUST L3T H3R G3T 4W4Y W1TH TH1S  
TA: she already ha2.  
TA: be2iide2, iif you really want revenge on her, ii don't 2ee why you need my help.  
TA: ju2t go 2tab her wiith your cane or 2omethiing.  
TA: ii'm 2ure that 2uperiior iintellect of your2 know2 the poiinty end of a 2word.  
GC: >:[  
GC: F1N3  
GC: BUT 1F YOU CH4NG3 YOUR M1ND YOU KNOW WH3R3 TO F1ND M3  
TA: riight. 

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling  gallowsCalibrator [GC]

Terezi made a face at her husktop. "It seems things are more dire than we previously believed," she informed her empty room. After a moment's contemplation, she bent down and scooped up her white Scalemate. "Chief Deputy Pyralspite, it appears our case has been stalled." She stood up, and made her way over to the window, under which lay an upended box of chalk. She selected a yellow piece. "Let us consider alternate plans." She sat crosslegged on the floor, set Pyralspite off to the side, and drew a small yellow dot. "Our primary candidate," she said, setting aside the yellow chalk, "is currently unavailable." She picked up a piece of white chalk, and drew a large circle. In it, she drew a cerulean dot. "Our target—I mean, the culprit, has been known to be under the influence of a certain wild card figure. his influence has been known to extend to other figures, whether directly or through the intercession of others," she drew a burgundy dot, then a teal one, "which has, in the past, unfortunately included myself. This was an unforgiveable lapse in judgement which shall not be repeated." She tapped her knee with one finger. "As this wild card has previously included key figures such as Mindfang, we would be wise not to assume his influence will not extend to all other players on the field.

"As to a secondary plan..." She thumbed through the pile of chalk. Grey, bronze, olive, blue, green... "No, no, no..." She shook her head. Not that some of them didn't have their strengths, but against this? "Dammit, Sollux, I need you."

She sighed, and stood up, leaving Pyralspite where he sat. "Until we have a more solid starting point... meeting adjourned."


	3. Chapter 3

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

AG: Hey, I haven't heard from you in aaaaaaaages, what gives????????  
AG: ........  
AG: I know you're online, Redglare.  
AG: Are you ignoring me? That's low, even for you.  
AG: Fine. Two can play at that game.

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

Vriska glared at the screen, then closed the chat window with an emphatic click. This was about the incident with Aradia, no doubt about it. "Who does she think she is??" Vriska muttered. "Like she hasn't killed hundreds of other trolls before." She stood up, and began to pace around the room, kicking at piles of d20s and broken 8-balls. "What a time to grow a conscience, Pyrope." She stopped in front of the metal frame of an old doomsday device, nudged the pile of wires sticking out the bottom with her shoe. If Terezi had an issue with killing one of their friends, she vaguely wondered what her reaction would be to her dealings with Eridan over doomsday devices like that one.

A beep from her husktop interrupted her train of thought. She glanced over at the screen: Eridan. Speak of the hellfire guy. She briefly contemplated ignoring him, then sighed, and flounced over to the desk, then flopped into her chair.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

CA: is the thing wwe talked about earlier nearly done  
AG: Which "thing" we talked a8out earlier?  
CA: uh  
CA: you knoww  
CA: the secret thing  
AG: ::::?  
AG: I'm afraid I have noooooooo idea what you're talking a8out.  
CA: bullshit you knoww exactly wwhat im talkin about  
AG: Nope! You're going to have to 8e a 8it more explicit. ::::)  
CA: fuckin  
CA: the goddamn doomsday device  
AG: Ohhhhhhhh, the doomsday device! You could have said so.  
CA: i did  
CA: more or less  
CA: i wwas TRYIN to be sneaky about it ok  
AG: Eridan.  
AG: No one else is reading this conversation.  
AG: Your halfhearted attempts at 8eing "sneaky" are completely unnecessary.  
AG: 8esides, it's no good. This device is a piece of shit.  
CA: fuck seriously  
AG: Yup. Completely trashed.  
CA: goddammit  
CA: how long is this gonna take  
AG: Have a little patience, a doomsday device takes longer to make than for you to take your gru88y hands to it and set it off.  
CA: hey this aint exactly a simple process to plan  
CA: one wwrong step and itll all go to shit  
CA: wwhich is wwhy i need you to complete your part as soon as possible  
CA: cant you just skip some of the more decorativve parts  
CA: throww together some base plates or somethin  
AG: Ok, I was 8eing patient 8efore, 8ut I'm going to make this extremely clear so it gets through your tiny pan.  
AG: This. Is going. To take. Time!!!!!!!!  
CA: alright dont get your pirate panties in a twwist  
CA: i can wwait  
AG: Good.  
CA: wwell  
CA: anywway  
CA: seein as i dont have anything else to do  
CA: think i still owwe you a flarp rematch after last perigee  
CA: better clear your day mindfang because this ones gonna be some fuckin vvirulent contention  
AG: Eh.  
AG: Think I'll pass today.  
CA: oh  
CA: uh ok  
CA: some other time then  
AG: Mmm.  
AG: Gotta go.  
AG: Later.

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: ok talk to you later vvris

caligulasAquarium [CA]  ceased trolling  arachnidsGrip [AG]

Vriska leaned back in her chair. God, he was more irritating with every encounter. And not in a black way. It was just getting... boring. Was it really worth having him on her side for Flarp campaigns if she had to deal with such utterly monotonous company? It was like slamming her head repeatedly against a wall and expecting it to burst like a brightly coloured cardboard lusus full of candy. "Why did I ever think dating him was a good idea," she muttered.

She scrolled down the Trollian online list. Tavros, Karkat, Terezi... Strangely, the white guy never showed up as an online user. He didn't even have a username. Even if she had  _wanted_ to talk to the sleazy creep, she wouldn't know how. He always seemed to contact her at the perfect time, though. Goddamned omniscient weirdo.

He didn't _always_ know everything, though. She glanced at the side of her desk, where a white orb lay. She scooped it up in her hand, staring at it intently. Just for kicks, she used her eightfold vision. "What's your deal?" she muttered, watching as the blue triangle came into view.

_I ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS._

"No shit. How do you do that???"

_I SHOW YOU TEXT EXPLAINING THE ANSWER._

Vriska snorted. "Fucking smartass cueball. Ok, how are you hiding yourself from the white guy, huh???"

_I'M NOT._

"What?? Fine, nevermind." She slammed it down on the desk, glaring at it. Then, she picked it up again to make sure it wasn't cracked. Of course, it wasn't. She turned it over, watching light glint off it. A beam of light flashed directly at her eyes, momentarily blinding her. "Ow," she complained, setting it back down in disgust. She blinked hard, trying to clear the green and yellow spots floating in her vision.

"Stupid little ball."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry sollux

The days inched forward, trailing stray minutes and seconds like the cold dead ashes of a comet, dusty remains of a moment long past. Sollux watched with scientific disinterest as the yellows of his fingernails grew dull with a crust of dirt and filth. It might have also been dried blood from picking at old wounds, though if this was the case the dark mustard colour was indistinguishable from the other accumulated grime. His room gathered dust, grubs shriveled to nothing; the immense bee hive that once left sticky pools of honey on everything he loved and took weeks to fully steam clean out of the carpet was reduced to a few buzzing members drooping over combs tacky with dehydrated honey.

He ran a finger over the wing of the faintly buzzing queen, her antennae drooping. "Falling down on the job," he murmured, watching her raise a leg to his hand. She took a few steps across his desk, then took to the air, circling back to the remains of her hive.

There was a beeping sound as a message popped up on his trolltop, and as his eyes focused on the screen in front of him, he opened it, clicked without thinking, before the trolltag really registered in his brain.

apocolypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

AA: hey

He stared at the screen, at the burgundy letters, blood rushing in his ears, like the blood on his hands, seeping through the grass, warm, sticky, blood and honey and a ringing in his ears that wouldn't go away, roaring shrieking horror piercing his stomach like the tangle of blue and red that had pierced her body tendrils slashing burning seeping exploding light—

It was the taste of bile in his throat, sharp and acidic, that brought the world back into focus. He leaned over and spat on the floor, stomach heaving, hands twitching against the desk. He coughed into his wrist, heaving himself upright. For a moment, his mind was blank, the room staring back at him as if waiting for him to do something. Then, he glanced at the computer screen. He swallowed hard. It wasn't her, it couldn't be, obviously wasn't her, who would pull this shit, this disgusting imitation, who

TA: who.  
TA: the fuck.  
TA: are you.  
AA: i kn0w this might be hard t0 believe  
AA: but its me  
TA: no.  
TA: ii 2wear to GOD you cut that 2hiit out riight now.  
TA: do you even realiize who you're talkiing to.  
TA: ii could pull enough p2ychiic bull2hiit out of my lobe stem to iinciinerate you and every goddamn troll wiithiin 2piittiing diistance, 2o let'2 try thii2 agaiin.  
TA: who do you thiink you are to have the goddamn AUDACIITY to iimper2onate a DEAD TROLL.  
TA: WHO ARE YOU.  
AA: s0rry  
AA: it really is me

He took a ragged breath, face wet, hands clenched against the edge of the desk, and it took all his strength to open his shaking fingers, to uncurl enough to reach the keyboard.

TA: no, arad  
TA: 2he  
TA: ii2 DEAD.  
AA: yes  
AA: thats true  
TA: ju2t.  
TA: 2top.  
TA: you have NO RIIGHT  
TA: to  
TA: god.  
AA: s0llux i need your help  
TA: YOU'RE NOT ARADIIA

He was panting now, sparks flickering at the edge of his vision, dancing in his eyes, or maybe they were actually there, real physical sparks of red and blue oh god he could not lose control now. Not here, not with so many trolls below him, NO.

He slammed a fist into the desk, a somewhat shrivelled game grub bursting beneath his hand. He stared at the dripping green goop, willing the fizzling chaos in his head to shrink, to steady, waves of nausea crashing against his skull. It couldn't be her. He forced his head up, stared at the aching familiarity of the burgundy text, the tall zeros, the zero that stood squished between the s and l's of his name. Impossible.

Anger seared through his skull like lightning, and he flung out an arm, sending his husktop crashing against the wall in a burst of light. "YOU'RE DEAD," he bellowed, sending shot after shot of pure energy into the charred mess of plastic, until his sign was no longer visible, until the wall behind it was blackened and starting to crumble. "You're dead," he whispered, his shoulders slumping, and he let himself slide to the floor, curled into a shivering ball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had originally planned for this to be longer tbh, but i haven't written homestuck in ages, and i just found this chapter completely finished in my drafts so im just posting it and calling it done

**Author's Note:**

> please _don't give me crit_ , constructive or not, even if you feel the need to point out a typo, i would appreciate it if you didn't. i do this for fun, and once i've posted something, i don't really want to think about it critically anymore. thanks.


End file.
